


princess and the frogboy

by pandabrite



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 21:04:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12779484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandabrite/pseuds/pandabrite
Summary: barry suffers an unfortunate curse, and only true love's kiss can break the spell. will barold be a frogboy forever?





	princess and the frogboy

**Author's Note:**

> day 17 of taz nanowrimo~ the prompt was to rewrite a fairy tale and nick gave me this idea so i had to just go with it. the prompt list is from tumblr user lucretia-the-director! this is silly and i hope y'all dig it haha

This was a goddamn _nightmare._

Lup was standing, frozen, before fuckin’ horror brought to life. There was a great, green, slimy pond… and swarming within it were frogs. Big, slimy, toad-like frogs, with bulging red eyes… and they were _all focused on her._

“B-... Barry!? Barry?” He had been right behind her! W-where the fuck did he go?

They’d been trekking through the marshlands of their current plane, doing some minor research on the flora and fauna. It was something they did often during their year-long stays… it sort of served a dual purpose, after all, giving them more information about the things they could expect to encounter and also things they could eat… and… it _also_ allowed them a chance to be truly alone together.

The terrain had been, well, in Lup’s less than scientific words “squishy.” There was plenty of greenery, but that sort of seemed to be _all_ there was. 

Green. Wet. Squish. Stink.

Lup had dashed ahead a bit, and Barry had been rushing to catch up with her when… suddenly, he was just gone. And there was this fuckin’ slime pool in his wake… the surface had been so evenly covered with a thick moss that it had been almost indistinguishable from the ground around him.

If he’d fallen in, then… why hadn’t he come back up yet?

And these… Oh, God, these fuckin’ frogs. These horrible, gross, slimy, disgusting-- they weren’t even, like, cute frogs! They were bulging and horrifying, with big red eyes that stared deep into her soul! 

And Barry was nowhere to be seen.

God-- no… he had to have fallen in. There was no other way around it.

“Fuck-- Barry, okay, I’m comin’ for you-- I’ll, I’m, God, you’re so lucky I-- U… ugh--” Lup was toeing forward, and as soon as she took a step, all of those God Forsaken Hell Creatures turned their big, bulging, red eyes toward her.

She froze.

“I-- Hello, frog friends-- I’m… Look, I’m just going to… get right on in there, I… I’m gonna get that human that fell in there, alright--”

The frogs were impassive. They didn’t budge. A couple of them let a slippery tongue dart over their eyes.

U… ugh.

One of the frogs hopped closer, and she jerked back a bit at the sight of it.

“Oh, no no, that won’t do-- let’s keep some personal space between us, alright, Slimy…”

“ _Barry._ ”

Lup looked like she’d been smacked in the face. She was making direct eye-contact with this hellspawn that just croaked _Barry’s_ name in the most horrifying way probably actually possible.

“Oh… _God._ What fresh hell is this..?”

“Barry. Barry. Barry. Baaaarry. BARRY. Barry bArry baRRy barry. Barry BARRY.”

The one bold step Lup had taken forward, she suddenly took back. The frogs were chanting now. They were all bellowing Barry’s name like some kind of nightmare flash mob. And they were getting closer. One hop, two hops, a couple of wiggly crawlers.

“No no no. Oh, okay, you green weirdos-- what did you do with my dear companion, huh? I’m-- listen, lemme be diplomatic here, I really don’t want to blast you-- but, if you keep on keepin’ on, then I can’t make any promises.”

“Barry- BARRY. Barry. Barry… Barry- Barooooold.”

One of them was close enough that it hopped onto her calf. Lup yelped and jerked her leg, knocking the frog off of herself. She fumbled back a bit, seething.

“Personal space I thought I said--”

Okay. Alright. Okay. If Barry was in that muck, there was a chance he was still alive, right? Humans could hold their breaths for generous amounts of time, so she just had to get in there and get him out. 

She’d take a leap over the frogs and into the muck. She’d use levitate on herself to get out, and she’d find Barry and drag him out, too. That’d do it. Alright. Okay.

Lup steeled herself, and took a few steps back… Just fuckin’ do it, Lup. Just bolt. Vault right over these bulbous terrors… 

But right as she went to make that leap she was halted by a voice from behind her.

“Wouldn’t do that if I were you!” Taako sashayed out of the woods, flicking with a curled lip a bit of soggy green from the brim of his hat.

“Taako-- what’re you doing out here?”

“I came to tell you this forest is, uh, magic as fuck.”

Lup froze, gaze darting from her brother to the slimy pond and the amphibian army that was swarming toward her slowly.

“Listen, Barry’s in there,” Lup pointed toward the muck, “and unless you’ve got a good idea to get him out, then I’m goin’ in after him.”

Taako seemed to consider this, eyeing the frogs and then the pond, “He’s not.”

Lup puffed her cheeks a little… how did he know? 

“I can feel him. Sorta. Listen, this is some _busted_ magic. Transmutation magic or illusion magic, one or the other, near as I can tell…” 

“... So… Barry’s not..?” Lup furrowed her brow and focused her own arcane senses… and, damn if Taako wasn’t right… there were fleeting traces of magic all over the place, but she hadn’t noticed it right away.

“Yeah I think this is pretty obviously a trap,” Taako paced closer to Lup, taking up the square of space right next to her.

“You think they want me to take a dip in frog hell, huh? Well, fuck, I’ve still gotta save Barry. I…” She knew that she didn’t _have_ to… that he’d be back next cycle if she didn’t, but… she didn’t want to be without him. She had no plans on just leaving him out here to suffer. To die alone.

No. 

Not on her watch.

“So what do you think, then?” Lup asked.

Taako was much better at identifying passive magic than she was, and it was something she had just come to terms with over their joined years. Taako was perceptive in arcane senses, and adept at learning them… 

So if he said Barry wasn’t in that muck, then she trusted that to be true.

“Listen, I dunno how to break this to you, but, uh--” Taako glanced down at the frog creatures that seemed to be inching steadily closer once more, still quietly chanting Barry’s name in eerie, croaking rounds.

Lup’s face fell, “... No… No way, no… not… Did it..?”

Taako sighed, an intentionally theatrical sound, and pulled his hat off of his head. He folded it over his chest, and lowered his face, “Today, we mourn the loss of our Dearest friend, Barold Jarold Bluejeans. He isn’t dead, he’s fine, but he’s a nasty frogboy now.”

“Taako, that’s not his middle name, first of all… and second of all, frogboy is _very good_ , and third of all he’s not _lost_ , he’s here-- if we can just find him, we can change him back, right? Easy enough?”

“Okay, uh, fair enough, you already _know_ I can... but how do you figure you’re gonna find him?”

“Um… well…” Lup looked thoughtful, hand covering her mouth, before she turned to address the frogs more pointedly, “Listen, frog friends, if, um… Could the real Barold please step forward?”

The frogs seemed unaffected by her words, the only reaction that the collective army of green had was to change their incessant croaking of ‘Barry’ to ‘Barold.’ 

‘ _barold, BAAARold, barold, barold blueeeeejean, barold, i’m barold, i’m barold, barry, barold_ ’

“ _Great,_ ” Lup deadpanned.

“He might not be all there, if he’s under a spell,” Taako pointed out, “if this is meant to be some big ol’ trap to lure people in, I don’t guess they’d let their victims keep their consciousness. You’re not gonna ask them what pant-style they prefer and get an answer.”

“Well, thanks for that,” Lup knelt down, though she still kept her distance from the approaching mass of nasty hell frogs, “I’m still not leaving until we find him.”

Taako popped his hat back onto his head and knelt alongside her, pointing at the frogs that were now only a foot or so from them, “say... you remember that old story Auntie used to tell us?”

“... Taako.”

“You know the one.”

“ _Taako, no._ ”

“Where the princess, true love, or whatever, has to kiss--”

“Taako, I would _sooner_ die.”

“-- a frog and it turns into her nerdy prince charming?”

“ _Oh God._ ” Lup pressed her face into her hands, and all the while, Taako was sniggering beside her.

“Listen,” Taako continued, “s’better than the nothing we’re running on right now. I’ll be the first one to tell you, I don’t have enough magic ammo to try and transmute this fuckin’ mess… so we gotta thin out the herd somehow.”

“You don’t even know that this’ll work! How can we assume that with no control case to compare it to? You just want me to kiss a frog, you big enormous turd!”

Taako pinched his tongue between his teeth and giggled again, before jerking to the side to dodge a swift swing of Lup’s hand, “Oi oi, I’m just trying to _help_ ~”

As they were bickering back and forth, the frogs got close enough that one of them leapt directly onto Lup’s knee-- which elicited a wild yelp of surprise and ended with a frog getting backhanded so hard that it went flying back into the muck of the pond.

“O-- oh, Barry, I’m so sorry if that was you!” Lup cried out, grabbing her own head in dismay.

Taako barked a laugh, but was interrupted as one of the slimy creatures also leapt onto him. He froze, upper lip raising in disgust, “No. Absolutely not.” He jerked up to his feet, letting the frog tumble off and to the ground.

“We’ve _got_ to do something,” Lup sighed, exasperated, dancing a couple of steps back and away from the approaching mass.

Taako looked sidelong at her and he wagged a brow, followed with a kissy motion of his mouth.

“God, _choke_ on it, you butthole!”

“I’m telling you, it’s worth a shot, you know, fairy tales are sometimes rooted in fact, or… something. I think someone somewhere said that, right?”

“Literally no one says that!”

“Well, I just said it, a Taako original, that one. Patent pending, and, uh-- just kiss a frog, Lulu~”

Lup groaned loudly, stomping a foot as hard as she could into the sticky dirt, “Fine! Alright! Okay! I’ll try it, I guess! I’m sure there’s a better way to do this, but if it’ll give you your damn giggles then I’ll do it!”

Taako glanced to the side, and under his breath muttered, “much obliged.”

“ _What was that?_ ”

“Nothing! Nothing. Look, it’s worth a shot, and if it doesn’t work, we’ll just… uh, I dunno… figure something else out, I guess? Give them all some milk? I dunno.”

“Whatever,” Lup pushed Taako’s head as she wandered past him and boldly right into the throng of froggy madness… they pushed around her ankles, sticky hands grasping onto her legs. She swallowed, hard, “Alright-- which frog is going to get this here smooch?”

“Better make it count~” Taako teased from the background.

“Boy, if you don’t shut up right now,” Lup bristled, glaring daggers back at her brother, who was cheesing so hard it was infuriating.

She turned back toward the mess, and after eyeing them all for a moment, she steeled herself and snatched up a frog. It hung limply in her hand, tongue lolling out of its mouth… Lup swallowed, hard, hands shaking.

“I’m just-- I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna fucking do it. I’m gonna fuckin’ go for it, I’m gonna--” She pulled the creature forward and pressed a kiss to the top of its wet, slimy head… 

And nothing happened.

Lup made eye contact with it, those big, gross, red, watery eyes… 

And she fucking launched it. She hurled her arm back so hard that she nearly toppled back, and then pitched forward and sent the frog soaring.

“Geeze,” Taako whistled behind her, “maybe you just don’t have the magic touch?”

“Are you fuckin’ satisfied now?” Lup retorted, wiping her lips vigorously with the back of her hand.

“Sure, you could say that,” Taako approached, carefully toeing over frogs, “look, you gave it your best shot.”

“Why don’t _you_ try, Taako?”

“Isn’t it supposed to be, like, a true love kind of thing?”

“Well, you love Barry, right? And Barry loves you. So why don’t you mack on a gross ass frog?”

“I think you got us both covered on that front,” Taako pointed out, but Lup snatched the front of his shirt suddenly.

Taako was stunned, and before he realized what was happening, Lup was right in his face, eyes dangerous as she stared him down.

“Kiss. A. Fuckin’. Frog.”

“Uh- I- okay, whatever, _fine_ , I got this, I got these magic lips, here-- I won’t be a wuss about it.”

“Okay, put that money where that mouth is.” And she released the front of his shirt.

Taako huffed, straightening it out, and turned toward the… frogs.

He flicked the edge of his hat up, eyeing the swarming creatures as if searching for something for a moment, and then with a deft hand he lunged in and snatched one up and out of the mess.

“Got it~” Taako held it on his palm and without any hesitation pecked it right on the cheek.

Multiple things happened in unison.

The pond of swarming frogs erupted with a magical surge. The plague of green beasts immediately retreated, some vanishing in wisps of smoke, and others sinking back into the muck… and the frog in Taako’s hand leapt forward, and from it, transmuting in midair, twisted the form of a wet and very bedraggled looking Barry.

He hit the ground on his hands and knees, wheezing.

“Barry!” Lup flung herself forward immediately and grabbed his shoulders, “Oh, Barry-- Are you okay?” She touched his face, even despite the sticky mucus still clinging to his skin. 

“I- uh… sure, I guess, as okay as I can be, sorta… feelin pretty gross.”

“Taako, how the hell did you know which frog was Barry?”

Taako winked and placed a hand on his hips, “Eagle eyes. Magic lips.”

“He just guessed,” Barry retorted, “there was no way to know. I wasn’t myself in there, I was--”

“A _frogboy_.” Taako pointed out.

“That’s not a good one,” Barry shook his head.

“Well,” Lup glanced to the side, a wobbly smile on her lips, “It’s… _kind_ of a good one…”

“Anyway, I did my part, you’re _welcome_ ,” Taako waved a hand, “I’m getting the hell out of these stink woods before one of us is getting chased by a wolf. Red hoods, and all that, you know.”

Lup helped Barry to his feet, and reached up to fix his glasses for him, and as she did, Barry turned toward Taako, “so, true love’s kiss, huh?”

Taako froze for a second, shoulders jerked up.

“Love you too,” Barry smiled to himself, and Taako only hesitated for a moment before continuing on down the path out of the forest.

“I’m sorry about that, Barry…” Lup looked abashed, lips pouting, “I… I should have paid more attention, really. This forest is one big trap, I think, and I was so caught up with getting out of the ship and on the ground I failed to notice it.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Barry shook his head-- he couldn’t be mad at her for that, “as long as I don’t have to spend a cycle as, uh, one of those guys, then I’m good.” He jerked a thumb back toward the pond.

“Well,” Lup smiled, finally, “I… how about I get myself a frog kiss, real quick?”

“I thought you’d sooner _die?_ ” Barry teased.

“Oh _my God_ , I can’t believe you--”

Barry had a hand on her chin, and his lips on hers before she could finish.

She huffed, whapping him on the shoulder with a loose fist… but she returned the affection.

“Gross. Slime mouth,” she muttered after pulling away, “let’s get back to the ship.”

“Yeah, I’d kind of love a shower. Or six.”

Taako’s voice sounded from in the distance, “ _C’mon, Princess and the Frogboy~_ ”

Lup rolled her eyes, and even though Barry’s hands were gross and slimy, she still grabbed one… “Let’s bounce, so you can defrog, huh?”

Barry winced… they weren’t gonna let this go, ever, were they?

Of _course_ not. Once Lup and Taako were sure that Barry was truly okay, the next few months were spent absolutely dunking on the poor guy… though, he took it in stride.

Because, if it really was a ‘true love’ kind of thing, then Taako could make fun of him all he wanted… if he loved him enough to break some hokey fairy tale spell, then he guessed he could take a little bit of--

Well, a lot of bits, really… of being the resident frogboy.


End file.
